March 27th
On HOMER SIMPSON
Okay, now it is time for my Top 5favourite TV comedy serieses of all time! These lists, from what I understand, are quite popular. No real surprises, I’m not a goddam TV archeologist.
1) The Simpsons
Parents of the world warned it against it, but it turned out to be hilarious. Thus parents of the world lost credibility. Family Guy is not as good, because it is like the Simpsons but with no soul. Futurama is too Sci Fi for my taste. South Park is sharp, but sometimes gives me a little scatalogical headache. No, Simpsons is the best – I own the first seven seasons and have watched all the DVD commentaries – very enlightening!
2) Arrested Development
These are all obvious, but some people don’t like this show because it is too cute and clever. If AD has a weak point, it is that, especially when Ron Howard’s narration gets a bit twee. Overall, though, dynamite., clever writing, characters you fall in love with despite their idiocy and despicability. Also, bad title. I wrote by first spec script on Arrested Development, and my favourite is the George Michael – Maeby forbidden romance. Now I want to wach this show again.
3) Flight of the Conchords
Is over!!! I am very sad. It was perfect? So relatable, especially as a wannabe performer sticking it out in the city. This one is too close to analyze, the series finale was last week. Matt and I just finished a spec script for it. Matt and I like to imagine we are like Flight of the Conchords, except without musical talent, but with hats. We’re a real hip duo, you know? Favourite song: Hurt Feelings.
4) Monty Python’s Flying Circus
This is the classic one. I haven’t seen all the episodes, and sometimes they can be hard to watch. Still nothing more challenging or more memorable on TV, always trying to stick a stick in your brain, and reality is always barely held together, sometimes not at all. They are my idols.
5) Saturday Night Live
SNL is also formative – it was fun to stay up and watch it as a kid, and my philosophy was always if it was good, it was funny, and if it wasn’t, I learned something about comedy. It’s the only TV show where you can watch people making mistakes. I don’t watch it much these days, since I went to comedy school and became a jaded insider, I’m too cool for the juvenile cast, and Kristen Wiig’s characters irritate me, and there are too many talk show sketches. And the best parts are all on video now (the digital shorts), so, not live. But great memories of the Farley era, the Ferrell-Kattan era, and the Horatio Sanz era. And Tracy Morgan. It’s like watching a reality show about comedy careers too, because you always hear about what’s going on behind the scenes.
Runners up – Late night: The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, both great and very complementary. Conan O’Brien. That’s about it really. I don’t watch that much TV.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
On GLADIATOR
March 26th
On GLADIATOR
Five years later, Fred and Susan got married. Susan loved Gladiator, but she named him Gladiola, and pretended he was a girl. She also got a pug and named it Daisy, but Fred only had love for Glad.
Fred and Susan had four kids, which they named Iris, Orchid, Chrysanthemum, and L.A. Confidential.
Iris is a tall, willowy, pale, girl with a bob of brown hair, thick pink lips and an innocent look on her face.
Orchid is a teen that dresses like a punk vampire.
Chrys is way into sports, and always carries around with her a baseball glove and a basketball.
L.A.C. is a real nerd, with glasses and a portable laptop that he’s always carrying with him.
Together, they are the family Wallace, and they love taking their R.V. and their dogs and heading out to the great outdoors. They keep a big map of Ontario in their basement which Fred was given as a present at work, and whenever Fred and Susan get vacation time they get out the darts and start throwin’.
Once they get to the cottage they’ve rented in some part of Ontario, they let Glad out and he runs around the place, making it safe for fun. Iris yells out Glad’s name and laughs, Chrys throws him a ball, LAC tracks his progress with a computer program he invented, and Orchid draws a crazy artwork where day is night and Glad is a vampire hunter. Susan works in the garden and gets mad when Glad runs through her hard work, but she can’t stay mad at him for long. Fred smokes a pipe and takes in how great his life is ever since he got a dog. And Daisy rubs up against different family members, reminding them that it’s time to get the folds in his face cleaned out.
Eventually they have to leave the cottage they’ve rented so Fred and Susan can get back to work, and so that Iris, Orchid, Chrys and LAC can go back to school, and so Glad and Daisy can work on the internet startup they’ve started up. As they leave the cottage they all stare forlornly out of the back of their station wagon, except Fred, who has to keep his eyes on the road so they don’t get into an accident. Susan looks especially forlornly and the garden she planted. She always forgets they’re only renting. Fred sometimes wonders, are they only renting happiness, too? When Glad passes on, as will inevitably occur, will their teenage children rebel, and will Susan have an affair, and will Daisy get lost in the park, and will their family just get ripped apart?
Well, some dogs neve really die, and Fred had a feeling that Glad was one of them. Sure, he could collapse, physically, but Glad lived in all of the family members now, deep in their hearts, and that part of Glad would never die. Glad pushed his snout into the front seat and gave Fred’s face a big lick, and Fred laughed satisfactorily. Yup, it really was great to be Fred Wallace. He never got panic attacks at work anymore, and he was married to the hottest lady in the building! He had four beautiful kids with eccentric names, and a subscription to an informative newspaper. His life really had a happy ending.
On GLADIATOR
Five years later, Fred and Susan got married. Susan loved Gladiator, but she named him Gladiola, and pretended he was a girl. She also got a pug and named it Daisy, but Fred only had love for Glad.
Fred and Susan had four kids, which they named Iris, Orchid, Chrysanthemum, and L.A. Confidential.
Iris is a tall, willowy, pale, girl with a bob of brown hair, thick pink lips and an innocent look on her face.
Orchid is a teen that dresses like a punk vampire.
Chrys is way into sports, and always carries around with her a baseball glove and a basketball.
L.A.C. is a real nerd, with glasses and a portable laptop that he’s always carrying with him.
Together, they are the family Wallace, and they love taking their R.V. and their dogs and heading out to the great outdoors. They keep a big map of Ontario in their basement which Fred was given as a present at work, and whenever Fred and Susan get vacation time they get out the darts and start throwin’.
Once they get to the cottage they’ve rented in some part of Ontario, they let Glad out and he runs around the place, making it safe for fun. Iris yells out Glad’s name and laughs, Chrys throws him a ball, LAC tracks his progress with a computer program he invented, and Orchid draws a crazy artwork where day is night and Glad is a vampire hunter. Susan works in the garden and gets mad when Glad runs through her hard work, but she can’t stay mad at him for long. Fred smokes a pipe and takes in how great his life is ever since he got a dog. And Daisy rubs up against different family members, reminding them that it’s time to get the folds in his face cleaned out.
Eventually they have to leave the cottage they’ve rented so Fred and Susan can get back to work, and so that Iris, Orchid, Chrys and LAC can go back to school, and so Glad and Daisy can work on the internet startup they’ve started up. As they leave the cottage they all stare forlornly out of the back of their station wagon, except Fred, who has to keep his eyes on the road so they don’t get into an accident. Susan looks especially forlornly and the garden she planted. She always forgets they’re only renting. Fred sometimes wonders, are they only renting happiness, too? When Glad passes on, as will inevitably occur, will their teenage children rebel, and will Susan have an affair, and will Daisy get lost in the park, and will their family just get ripped apart?
Well, some dogs neve really die, and Fred had a feeling that Glad was one of them. Sure, he could collapse, physically, but Glad lived in all of the family members now, deep in their hearts, and that part of Glad would never die. Glad pushed his snout into the front seat and gave Fred’s face a big lick, and Fred laughed satisfactorily. Yup, it really was great to be Fred Wallace. He never got panic attacks at work anymore, and he was married to the hottest lady in the building! He had four beautiful kids with eccentric names, and a subscription to an informative newspaper. His life really had a happy ending.
On GERMAN SHEPHERD
March 25th
On GERMAN SHEPHERD
Fred Wallace had a headache. He accessed his email, and there were five emails, all with a list of things to do, which he added to his list of things to do, which he put on top of his physical inbox, which was stacked with papers. He knew that at the bottom of this inbox was a letter from a starving child overseas, named Alejandro, whom he had to write to to support his financial support, but he had never gotten that deep in the inbox in seven years. God knew what project was down there with Alejandro, hopefully no one had died because of a project he had neglected.
Fred was in a grey cubicle in an 18th floor office in a major city. He turned to look out the window, but it was blocked by a cannonade of filing cabinets. He turned back to his computer terminal, and three more emails popped up. For the first time in seven years, he was really starting to panic.
“Fred drop what you’re doing and take a look at this!” yelled Fred’s boss, Harv.
“Aaaah!” yelled Fred, and then a big dog jumped up on Fred’s lap and licked Fred’s face. It was a German Shepherd. Fred knew what German Shepherds were from cop shows, but he’d never seen one up close.
“He’s so friendly!” smiled Harv.
“I thought… you were… coming… to give me… work to do…” said Fred, between licks.
“Ah, you needed a break,” said Harv. Harv was a tall man with a mustache, good looking.
Fred couldn’t believe such a noble creature, that he thought would be so vicious, or at least reserved, was so willing to openly display his affection for Fred.
“He’s wonderful!” said Fred, choking back a sob.
“You know what?” said Harv, “You keep him. I’ll get another one.”
“Really?” said Fred, lifting up his saliva-covered face towards his employer.
“Yeah, I got lots of money,” said Harv casually, “And the kids don’t like this one, they want a dog with a smushed-in face. Fair enough, who doesn’t, those things are cute.”
“Apparently you have to wash out all the folds in their face,” said Susan, while rushing past, not pausing for a response.
“That’s true,” conceded Harv, “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. His name’s Gladiator,” he said, pointing to the German Shepherd, “after that movie with Russell Crowe.”
“Thanks, Harv,” said Fred, “I won’t forget this.”
“Take a lunch, and take Gladiator here out to the qudrangle,” said Harv, “I’ll get Susan here to tak over your desk for a bit.”
It was the greatest day of Fred’s life. He went outside into the quadrangle with Gladiator, who he nicknamed Glad, and they played fetch with a ball for three hours. When he came back into the office, his face was red and blotchy from dog tongue.
“What happened to your face,” asked Susan, who was wearing a pantsuit and had a deep voice for a woman.
“Nothing,” said Fred.
“I finished all your work for you,” said Susan, “Remember this later.”
“All right,” said Fred. He couldn’t believe his luck.
“You better get that guy tested for worms,” said Susan, walking back to her desk.
“That’s good advice,” said Fred softly, rubbing Glad under the chin, “I don’t want anything to happen to you!”
On GERMAN SHEPHERD
Fred Wallace had a headache. He accessed his email, and there were five emails, all with a list of things to do, which he added to his list of things to do, which he put on top of his physical inbox, which was stacked with papers. He knew that at the bottom of this inbox was a letter from a starving child overseas, named Alejandro, whom he had to write to to support his financial support, but he had never gotten that deep in the inbox in seven years. God knew what project was down there with Alejandro, hopefully no one had died because of a project he had neglected.
Fred was in a grey cubicle in an 18th floor office in a major city. He turned to look out the window, but it was blocked by a cannonade of filing cabinets. He turned back to his computer terminal, and three more emails popped up. For the first time in seven years, he was really starting to panic.
“Fred drop what you’re doing and take a look at this!” yelled Fred’s boss, Harv.
“Aaaah!” yelled Fred, and then a big dog jumped up on Fred’s lap and licked Fred’s face. It was a German Shepherd. Fred knew what German Shepherds were from cop shows, but he’d never seen one up close.
“He’s so friendly!” smiled Harv.
“I thought… you were… coming… to give me… work to do…” said Fred, between licks.
“Ah, you needed a break,” said Harv. Harv was a tall man with a mustache, good looking.
Fred couldn’t believe such a noble creature, that he thought would be so vicious, or at least reserved, was so willing to openly display his affection for Fred.
“He’s wonderful!” said Fred, choking back a sob.
“You know what?” said Harv, “You keep him. I’ll get another one.”
“Really?” said Fred, lifting up his saliva-covered face towards his employer.
“Yeah, I got lots of money,” said Harv casually, “And the kids don’t like this one, they want a dog with a smushed-in face. Fair enough, who doesn’t, those things are cute.”
“Apparently you have to wash out all the folds in their face,” said Susan, while rushing past, not pausing for a response.
“That’s true,” conceded Harv, “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. His name’s Gladiator,” he said, pointing to the German Shepherd, “after that movie with Russell Crowe.”
“Thanks, Harv,” said Fred, “I won’t forget this.”
“Take a lunch, and take Gladiator here out to the qudrangle,” said Harv, “I’ll get Susan here to tak over your desk for a bit.”
It was the greatest day of Fred’s life. He went outside into the quadrangle with Gladiator, who he nicknamed Glad, and they played fetch with a ball for three hours. When he came back into the office, his face was red and blotchy from dog tongue.
“What happened to your face,” asked Susan, who was wearing a pantsuit and had a deep voice for a woman.
“Nothing,” said Fred.
“I finished all your work for you,” said Susan, “Remember this later.”
“All right,” said Fred. He couldn’t believe his luck.
“You better get that guy tested for worms,” said Susan, walking back to her desk.
“That’s good advice,” said Fred softly, rubbing Glad under the chin, “I don’t want anything to happen to you!”
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