On CHESS TOURNAMENT

March 24th

On CHESS TOURNAMENT

1: “So the Chess Tournament is ready to go, okay, and all these nerds are sitting around with their chess pieces, and then this big-titted broad comes in, right, and they all turn around and are poppin these huge nerd boners, right, and the coach says, ‘Are you here for the Chess Tournament?’ And she says, Oops, I thought you said, ‘Chest Tournament!’”

“Thank you, we’ve heard enough. Thanks for coming in.”

2: “A Chess player moves his piece and says, ‘King me!’ The other guy says ‘King you! I just met you!’”

“That’s checkers. And also, no,”

3: “So the chess tournament ends, and all the nerds are congratulating each other, guys are like, ‘You are the best of all of us!’ and then the poor schmuck who wins, looks around, and says, ‘Yeah, king of the nerds! I still don’t have a girlfriend!’”

“This is a commercial to promote Chess among teens.”

“Oh yeah. Funny, though, right?”
“No.”

4: “WE ARE THE KNIGHTS, WE ARE THE QUEENS, WE ARE THE KINGS OF ROCK AND ROLL! GO CHESS!”

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm No.”

5: “A board. An opponent. A bunch of pieces. Chess. Is it in you?”

“That is an old Gatorade slogan.”

“That everyone’s forgotten!”

“I remembered it, though.”

“Well, it’s one of those phrases that is just, it belongs to the common weal.”

“Good day.”

6: “Jim Carrey comes in. He does his thing, arms all over the place, yelling things, and then at the end, over the screen, it says, ‘you don’t have to be a nerd to like chess.’”

“Implying that Jim Carrey likes Chess?”

“Yes.”

“He’s a little nerdy though.”

“What?”
“He’s not the coolest guy I can think of.”

“Who’s the coolest guy you can think of?”

“Uh… Fifty Cent?”

“Please.”

“Looks like neither of us knows anything.”

7: “A basketball player makes this monster dunk, and it turns out that instead of a basketball, it’s a Chess piece. Then a deep voice says, ‘Chess. Is it in you?”:

“Weren’t you here before?”

8: “This nerd is teaching chess to this big-titted babe, and he’s like, ‘the bishop moves like this in chess’ and she says ‘did you say chess or chest?’”

“You were definitely here earlier.”

9: “We show all these wacked-out old soviet footage, right, with all these portraits of Stalin, people waiting in line for bread, and statues, hammers and sickles everywhere”

“And then?”

“That’s it.”

“No chess?”
“The connection between soviet chic and chess is implied.”

“Sort of cool. But we’d prefer that chess be mentioned.”

“THEN YOU WILL NEVER HAVE MY IDEA!!!”

“Alright, we’ll find another one.”

“Have a good one.”

10: “There’s all these fat kids, and we see them signing up for a chess tournament, and then they’re working out in the gym, eating right, they get skinny, they get girlfriends, and then the screen goes black, and the words come up: ‘Chess. Is it in you?’”

“We’re going to go for a chest-chess pun.”

“Ooooh, that is good.”