On UMA THURMAN

March 3rd
On UMA THURMAN

An Exclusive Celebrity Interview with Uma Thurman

By John T. Nohands

JTN: Hello, we’re here with famous actress Uma Thurman. Uma, it is clear, looking at your body of work, that three films stand out as masterpieces: Liasons Dangereuse (Dangerous Liasons), Pulp Fiction, and the Truth About Cats and Dogs.
UT: And Kill Bill.
JTN: I guess. What was it like, working with Janeane Garafolo?
UT: You think those were my greatest films?
JTN: You think maybe not Pulp Fiction?
UT: I think maybe not the Truth About Cats and Dogs.
JTN: What is the truth about cats and dogs?
UT: I don’t remember.
JTN: Let’s move on to another topic. When I was in high school, my friend Jonathan Corbin used to do a hilarious impression of you eatig a hamburger. Could you maybe eat a hamburger right now?
UT: I’m a vegetarian.
JTN: Hmmm. So you would never do this (swings his arms manically from side to side, desperately trying to bite a mime hamburger that he has in one of his hands.)
UT: Maybe with a veggie burger. I do have good control over my arms though.
JTN: You should be a model or something. You’re pretty.
UT: I am a model.
JTN: Slumdog or Milk?
UT: Both good films.
JTN: Copout.
UT: Did you have any questions about Quentin Tarnatino or anything?
JTN: Ah, what am I doing with my life?
UT: Are you okay?
JTN: I just had those two questions, the one about the three films and the one about my friend’s impression of you. The rest I made up just now.
UT: Well, those were good questions.
JTN: Not really. Thank you for saying so. I’m a terrible interviewer. I’m sorry you have to be here for this.
UT: It’s okay, it’s okay, we all go through moments like this.
JTN: I’m pretty sure my wife is cheating on me.
UT: You think so? Why?
JTN: She’s sleeping with some guy.
UT: That sounds like she definitely is then. How long have you been married?
JTN: Three years. Best years of my life.
UT: Why would she cheat on you?
JTN, Ah, my dick don’t work.
UT: What if I showed you one of my breasts?
JTN: Maybe. (awkward pause) Are you going to show me one of your breasts now?
UT: No. That was a hypothetical question.
JTN: Aaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuugggggh! What else can go wrong?
UT: I feel like this interview isn’t going well. Here’s some other questions people usually ask me: “What was it like growing up with such a weird name?”
JTN: (mumbling) What was it like growing up with a stupid name.
UT: What did you say?
JTN: I SAID WHAT WAS IT LIKE GROWING UP WITH NO HANDS?
UT: I did have hands. Still do.
JTN: Oh yeah. Nohands is my last name. Talk about weird names! Are we bonding right now over having weird names?
UT: If it would make you feel better to think so.
JTN: Even though I know you are being patronizing towards me right now, I appreciate the effort you’ve made to help me get my life back together.
UT: Good. I’m glad we had this talk. Now go divorce your wife. It’s better if you don’t let these things drag out.
JTN: Thant’s good advice.