March 27th
On HOMER SIMPSON
Okay, now it is time for my Top 5favourite TV comedy serieses of all time! These lists, from what I understand, are quite popular. No real surprises, I’m not a goddam TV archeologist.
1) The Simpsons
Parents of the world warned it against it, but it turned out to be hilarious. Thus parents of the world lost credibility. Family Guy is not as good, because it is like the Simpsons but with no soul. Futurama is too Sci Fi for my taste. South Park is sharp, but sometimes gives me a little scatalogical headache. No, Simpsons is the best – I own the first seven seasons and have watched all the DVD commentaries – very enlightening!
2) Arrested Development
These are all obvious, but some people don’t like this show because it is too cute and clever. If AD has a weak point, it is that, especially when Ron Howard’s narration gets a bit twee. Overall, though, dynamite., clever writing, characters you fall in love with despite their idiocy and despicability. Also, bad title. I wrote by first spec script on Arrested Development, and my favourite is the George Michael – Maeby forbidden romance. Now I want to wach this show again.
3) Flight of the Conchords
Is over!!! I am very sad. It was perfect? So relatable, especially as a wannabe performer sticking it out in the city. This one is too close to analyze, the series finale was last week. Matt and I just finished a spec script for it. Matt and I like to imagine we are like Flight of the Conchords, except without musical talent, but with hats. We’re a real hip duo, you know? Favourite song: Hurt Feelings.
4) Monty Python’s Flying Circus
This is the classic one. I haven’t seen all the episodes, and sometimes they can be hard to watch. Still nothing more challenging or more memorable on TV, always trying to stick a stick in your brain, and reality is always barely held together, sometimes not at all. They are my idols.
5) Saturday Night Live
SNL is also formative – it was fun to stay up and watch it as a kid, and my philosophy was always if it was good, it was funny, and if it wasn’t, I learned something about comedy. It’s the only TV show where you can watch people making mistakes. I don’t watch it much these days, since I went to comedy school and became a jaded insider, I’m too cool for the juvenile cast, and Kristen Wiig’s characters irritate me, and there are too many talk show sketches. And the best parts are all on video now (the digital shorts), so, not live. But great memories of the Farley era, the Ferrell-Kattan era, and the Horatio Sanz era. And Tracy Morgan. It’s like watching a reality show about comedy careers too, because you always hear about what’s going on behind the scenes.
Runners up – Late night: The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, both great and very complementary. Conan O’Brien. That’s about it really. I don’t watch that much TV.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
On GLADIATOR
March 26th
On GLADIATOR
Five years later, Fred and Susan got married. Susan loved Gladiator, but she named him Gladiola, and pretended he was a girl. She also got a pug and named it Daisy, but Fred only had love for Glad.
Fred and Susan had four kids, which they named Iris, Orchid, Chrysanthemum, and L.A. Confidential.
Iris is a tall, willowy, pale, girl with a bob of brown hair, thick pink lips and an innocent look on her face.
Orchid is a teen that dresses like a punk vampire.
Chrys is way into sports, and always carries around with her a baseball glove and a basketball.
L.A.C. is a real nerd, with glasses and a portable laptop that he’s always carrying with him.
Together, they are the family Wallace, and they love taking their R.V. and their dogs and heading out to the great outdoors. They keep a big map of Ontario in their basement which Fred was given as a present at work, and whenever Fred and Susan get vacation time they get out the darts and start throwin’.
Once they get to the cottage they’ve rented in some part of Ontario, they let Glad out and he runs around the place, making it safe for fun. Iris yells out Glad’s name and laughs, Chrys throws him a ball, LAC tracks his progress with a computer program he invented, and Orchid draws a crazy artwork where day is night and Glad is a vampire hunter. Susan works in the garden and gets mad when Glad runs through her hard work, but she can’t stay mad at him for long. Fred smokes a pipe and takes in how great his life is ever since he got a dog. And Daisy rubs up against different family members, reminding them that it’s time to get the folds in his face cleaned out.
Eventually they have to leave the cottage they’ve rented so Fred and Susan can get back to work, and so that Iris, Orchid, Chrys and LAC can go back to school, and so Glad and Daisy can work on the internet startup they’ve started up. As they leave the cottage they all stare forlornly out of the back of their station wagon, except Fred, who has to keep his eyes on the road so they don’t get into an accident. Susan looks especially forlornly and the garden she planted. She always forgets they’re only renting. Fred sometimes wonders, are they only renting happiness, too? When Glad passes on, as will inevitably occur, will their teenage children rebel, and will Susan have an affair, and will Daisy get lost in the park, and will their family just get ripped apart?
Well, some dogs neve really die, and Fred had a feeling that Glad was one of them. Sure, he could collapse, physically, but Glad lived in all of the family members now, deep in their hearts, and that part of Glad would never die. Glad pushed his snout into the front seat and gave Fred’s face a big lick, and Fred laughed satisfactorily. Yup, it really was great to be Fred Wallace. He never got panic attacks at work anymore, and he was married to the hottest lady in the building! He had four beautiful kids with eccentric names, and a subscription to an informative newspaper. His life really had a happy ending.
On GLADIATOR
Five years later, Fred and Susan got married. Susan loved Gladiator, but she named him Gladiola, and pretended he was a girl. She also got a pug and named it Daisy, but Fred only had love for Glad.
Fred and Susan had four kids, which they named Iris, Orchid, Chrysanthemum, and L.A. Confidential.
Iris is a tall, willowy, pale, girl with a bob of brown hair, thick pink lips and an innocent look on her face.
Orchid is a teen that dresses like a punk vampire.
Chrys is way into sports, and always carries around with her a baseball glove and a basketball.
L.A.C. is a real nerd, with glasses and a portable laptop that he’s always carrying with him.
Together, they are the family Wallace, and they love taking their R.V. and their dogs and heading out to the great outdoors. They keep a big map of Ontario in their basement which Fred was given as a present at work, and whenever Fred and Susan get vacation time they get out the darts and start throwin’.
Once they get to the cottage they’ve rented in some part of Ontario, they let Glad out and he runs around the place, making it safe for fun. Iris yells out Glad’s name and laughs, Chrys throws him a ball, LAC tracks his progress with a computer program he invented, and Orchid draws a crazy artwork where day is night and Glad is a vampire hunter. Susan works in the garden and gets mad when Glad runs through her hard work, but she can’t stay mad at him for long. Fred smokes a pipe and takes in how great his life is ever since he got a dog. And Daisy rubs up against different family members, reminding them that it’s time to get the folds in his face cleaned out.
Eventually they have to leave the cottage they’ve rented so Fred and Susan can get back to work, and so that Iris, Orchid, Chrys and LAC can go back to school, and so Glad and Daisy can work on the internet startup they’ve started up. As they leave the cottage they all stare forlornly out of the back of their station wagon, except Fred, who has to keep his eyes on the road so they don’t get into an accident. Susan looks especially forlornly and the garden she planted. She always forgets they’re only renting. Fred sometimes wonders, are they only renting happiness, too? When Glad passes on, as will inevitably occur, will their teenage children rebel, and will Susan have an affair, and will Daisy get lost in the park, and will their family just get ripped apart?
Well, some dogs neve really die, and Fred had a feeling that Glad was one of them. Sure, he could collapse, physically, but Glad lived in all of the family members now, deep in their hearts, and that part of Glad would never die. Glad pushed his snout into the front seat and gave Fred’s face a big lick, and Fred laughed satisfactorily. Yup, it really was great to be Fred Wallace. He never got panic attacks at work anymore, and he was married to the hottest lady in the building! He had four beautiful kids with eccentric names, and a subscription to an informative newspaper. His life really had a happy ending.
On GERMAN SHEPHERD
March 25th
On GERMAN SHEPHERD
Fred Wallace had a headache. He accessed his email, and there were five emails, all with a list of things to do, which he added to his list of things to do, which he put on top of his physical inbox, which was stacked with papers. He knew that at the bottom of this inbox was a letter from a starving child overseas, named Alejandro, whom he had to write to to support his financial support, but he had never gotten that deep in the inbox in seven years. God knew what project was down there with Alejandro, hopefully no one had died because of a project he had neglected.
Fred was in a grey cubicle in an 18th floor office in a major city. He turned to look out the window, but it was blocked by a cannonade of filing cabinets. He turned back to his computer terminal, and three more emails popped up. For the first time in seven years, he was really starting to panic.
“Fred drop what you’re doing and take a look at this!” yelled Fred’s boss, Harv.
“Aaaah!” yelled Fred, and then a big dog jumped up on Fred’s lap and licked Fred’s face. It was a German Shepherd. Fred knew what German Shepherds were from cop shows, but he’d never seen one up close.
“He’s so friendly!” smiled Harv.
“I thought… you were… coming… to give me… work to do…” said Fred, between licks.
“Ah, you needed a break,” said Harv. Harv was a tall man with a mustache, good looking.
Fred couldn’t believe such a noble creature, that he thought would be so vicious, or at least reserved, was so willing to openly display his affection for Fred.
“He’s wonderful!” said Fred, choking back a sob.
“You know what?” said Harv, “You keep him. I’ll get another one.”
“Really?” said Fred, lifting up his saliva-covered face towards his employer.
“Yeah, I got lots of money,” said Harv casually, “And the kids don’t like this one, they want a dog with a smushed-in face. Fair enough, who doesn’t, those things are cute.”
“Apparently you have to wash out all the folds in their face,” said Susan, while rushing past, not pausing for a response.
“That’s true,” conceded Harv, “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. His name’s Gladiator,” he said, pointing to the German Shepherd, “after that movie with Russell Crowe.”
“Thanks, Harv,” said Fred, “I won’t forget this.”
“Take a lunch, and take Gladiator here out to the qudrangle,” said Harv, “I’ll get Susan here to tak over your desk for a bit.”
It was the greatest day of Fred’s life. He went outside into the quadrangle with Gladiator, who he nicknamed Glad, and they played fetch with a ball for three hours. When he came back into the office, his face was red and blotchy from dog tongue.
“What happened to your face,” asked Susan, who was wearing a pantsuit and had a deep voice for a woman.
“Nothing,” said Fred.
“I finished all your work for you,” said Susan, “Remember this later.”
“All right,” said Fred. He couldn’t believe his luck.
“You better get that guy tested for worms,” said Susan, walking back to her desk.
“That’s good advice,” said Fred softly, rubbing Glad under the chin, “I don’t want anything to happen to you!”
On GERMAN SHEPHERD
Fred Wallace had a headache. He accessed his email, and there were five emails, all with a list of things to do, which he added to his list of things to do, which he put on top of his physical inbox, which was stacked with papers. He knew that at the bottom of this inbox was a letter from a starving child overseas, named Alejandro, whom he had to write to to support his financial support, but he had never gotten that deep in the inbox in seven years. God knew what project was down there with Alejandro, hopefully no one had died because of a project he had neglected.
Fred was in a grey cubicle in an 18th floor office in a major city. He turned to look out the window, but it was blocked by a cannonade of filing cabinets. He turned back to his computer terminal, and three more emails popped up. For the first time in seven years, he was really starting to panic.
“Fred drop what you’re doing and take a look at this!” yelled Fred’s boss, Harv.
“Aaaah!” yelled Fred, and then a big dog jumped up on Fred’s lap and licked Fred’s face. It was a German Shepherd. Fred knew what German Shepherds were from cop shows, but he’d never seen one up close.
“He’s so friendly!” smiled Harv.
“I thought… you were… coming… to give me… work to do…” said Fred, between licks.
“Ah, you needed a break,” said Harv. Harv was a tall man with a mustache, good looking.
Fred couldn’t believe such a noble creature, that he thought would be so vicious, or at least reserved, was so willing to openly display his affection for Fred.
“He’s wonderful!” said Fred, choking back a sob.
“You know what?” said Harv, “You keep him. I’ll get another one.”
“Really?” said Fred, lifting up his saliva-covered face towards his employer.
“Yeah, I got lots of money,” said Harv casually, “And the kids don’t like this one, they want a dog with a smushed-in face. Fair enough, who doesn’t, those things are cute.”
“Apparently you have to wash out all the folds in their face,” said Susan, while rushing past, not pausing for a response.
“That’s true,” conceded Harv, “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. His name’s Gladiator,” he said, pointing to the German Shepherd, “after that movie with Russell Crowe.”
“Thanks, Harv,” said Fred, “I won’t forget this.”
“Take a lunch, and take Gladiator here out to the qudrangle,” said Harv, “I’ll get Susan here to tak over your desk for a bit.”
It was the greatest day of Fred’s life. He went outside into the quadrangle with Gladiator, who he nicknamed Glad, and they played fetch with a ball for three hours. When he came back into the office, his face was red and blotchy from dog tongue.
“What happened to your face,” asked Susan, who was wearing a pantsuit and had a deep voice for a woman.
“Nothing,” said Fred.
“I finished all your work for you,” said Susan, “Remember this later.”
“All right,” said Fred. He couldn’t believe his luck.
“You better get that guy tested for worms,” said Susan, walking back to her desk.
“That’s good advice,” said Fred softly, rubbing Glad under the chin, “I don’t want anything to happen to you!”
Saturday, April 11, 2009
On CHESS TOURNAMENT
March 24th
On CHESS TOURNAMENT
1: “So the Chess Tournament is ready to go, okay, and all these nerds are sitting around with their chess pieces, and then this big-titted broad comes in, right, and they all turn around and are poppin these huge nerd boners, right, and the coach says, ‘Are you here for the Chess Tournament?’ And she says, Oops, I thought you said, ‘Chest Tournament!’”
“Thank you, we’ve heard enough. Thanks for coming in.”
2: “A Chess player moves his piece and says, ‘King me!’ The other guy says ‘King you! I just met you!’”
“That’s checkers. And also, no,”
3: “So the chess tournament ends, and all the nerds are congratulating each other, guys are like, ‘You are the best of all of us!’ and then the poor schmuck who wins, looks around, and says, ‘Yeah, king of the nerds! I still don’t have a girlfriend!’”
“This is a commercial to promote Chess among teens.”
“Oh yeah. Funny, though, right?”
“No.”
4: “WE ARE THE KNIGHTS, WE ARE THE QUEENS, WE ARE THE KINGS OF ROCK AND ROLL! GO CHESS!”
“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm No.”
5: “A board. An opponent. A bunch of pieces. Chess. Is it in you?”
“That is an old Gatorade slogan.”
“That everyone’s forgotten!”
“I remembered it, though.”
“Well, it’s one of those phrases that is just, it belongs to the common weal.”
“Good day.”
6: “Jim Carrey comes in. He does his thing, arms all over the place, yelling things, and then at the end, over the screen, it says, ‘you don’t have to be a nerd to like chess.’”
“Implying that Jim Carrey likes Chess?”
“Yes.”
“He’s a little nerdy though.”
“What?”
“He’s not the coolest guy I can think of.”
“Who’s the coolest guy you can think of?”
“Uh… Fifty Cent?”
“Please.”
“Looks like neither of us knows anything.”
7: “A basketball player makes this monster dunk, and it turns out that instead of a basketball, it’s a Chess piece. Then a deep voice says, ‘Chess. Is it in you?”:
“Weren’t you here before?”
8: “This nerd is teaching chess to this big-titted babe, and he’s like, ‘the bishop moves like this in chess’ and she says ‘did you say chess or chest?’”
“You were definitely here earlier.”
9: “We show all these wacked-out old soviet footage, right, with all these portraits of Stalin, people waiting in line for bread, and statues, hammers and sickles everywhere”
“And then?”
“That’s it.”
“No chess?”
“The connection between soviet chic and chess is implied.”
“Sort of cool. But we’d prefer that chess be mentioned.”
“THEN YOU WILL NEVER HAVE MY IDEA!!!”
“Alright, we’ll find another one.”
“Have a good one.”
10: “There’s all these fat kids, and we see them signing up for a chess tournament, and then they’re working out in the gym, eating right, they get skinny, they get girlfriends, and then the screen goes black, and the words come up: ‘Chess. Is it in you?’”
“We’re going to go for a chest-chess pun.”
“Ooooh, that is good.”
On CHESS TOURNAMENT
1: “So the Chess Tournament is ready to go, okay, and all these nerds are sitting around with their chess pieces, and then this big-titted broad comes in, right, and they all turn around and are poppin these huge nerd boners, right, and the coach says, ‘Are you here for the Chess Tournament?’ And she says, Oops, I thought you said, ‘Chest Tournament!’”
“Thank you, we’ve heard enough. Thanks for coming in.”
2: “A Chess player moves his piece and says, ‘King me!’ The other guy says ‘King you! I just met you!’”
“That’s checkers. And also, no,”
3: “So the chess tournament ends, and all the nerds are congratulating each other, guys are like, ‘You are the best of all of us!’ and then the poor schmuck who wins, looks around, and says, ‘Yeah, king of the nerds! I still don’t have a girlfriend!’”
“This is a commercial to promote Chess among teens.”
“Oh yeah. Funny, though, right?”
“No.”
4: “WE ARE THE KNIGHTS, WE ARE THE QUEENS, WE ARE THE KINGS OF ROCK AND ROLL! GO CHESS!”
“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm No.”
5: “A board. An opponent. A bunch of pieces. Chess. Is it in you?”
“That is an old Gatorade slogan.”
“That everyone’s forgotten!”
“I remembered it, though.”
“Well, it’s one of those phrases that is just, it belongs to the common weal.”
“Good day.”
6: “Jim Carrey comes in. He does his thing, arms all over the place, yelling things, and then at the end, over the screen, it says, ‘you don’t have to be a nerd to like chess.’”
“Implying that Jim Carrey likes Chess?”
“Yes.”
“He’s a little nerdy though.”
“What?”
“He’s not the coolest guy I can think of.”
“Who’s the coolest guy you can think of?”
“Uh… Fifty Cent?”
“Please.”
“Looks like neither of us knows anything.”
7: “A basketball player makes this monster dunk, and it turns out that instead of a basketball, it’s a Chess piece. Then a deep voice says, ‘Chess. Is it in you?”:
“Weren’t you here before?”
8: “This nerd is teaching chess to this big-titted babe, and he’s like, ‘the bishop moves like this in chess’ and she says ‘did you say chess or chest?’”
“You were definitely here earlier.”
9: “We show all these wacked-out old soviet footage, right, with all these portraits of Stalin, people waiting in line for bread, and statues, hammers and sickles everywhere”
“And then?”
“That’s it.”
“No chess?”
“The connection between soviet chic and chess is implied.”
“Sort of cool. But we’d prefer that chess be mentioned.”
“THEN YOU WILL NEVER HAVE MY IDEA!!!”
“Alright, we’ll find another one.”
“Have a good one.”
10: “There’s all these fat kids, and we see them signing up for a chess tournament, and then they’re working out in the gym, eating right, they get skinny, they get girlfriends, and then the screen goes black, and the words come up: ‘Chess. Is it in you?’”
“We’re going to go for a chest-chess pun.”
“Ooooh, that is good.”
On SAN DIEGO ZOO
March 23rd
On SAN DIEGO ZOO
The San Diego Zoo
Balboa Park,
San Diego, CA
Dear The San Diego Zoo,
I recently went online and saw your awesome video about wirking at the zoo. Although the film’s slow pace and soothing music made me feel a little sleepy, I still think I am the right fit for this zoo as an employee.
Anyway, how are you? My name is Dave, and this is my cover letter!! Hooray! I thought I’d lighten things up with a little humour.
My job goal is to eventually be the zookeeper for the whole park. But I understand that, to get there, I will probably have to work at one of the other jobs first, like Food Service Clerk or Merchandise Sales Clerk. That’s cool by me.
Here’s a list of animals I do like: Hippopotomus, Elephant, Tiger, Gorilla, Koala Bears, and Giraffes. Here’s a list of animal’s I don’t like: spiders. Please keep me away from the spiders. Thanks!
My previous job experience includes working at my dad’s bank. It’s called Scotiabank, and it’s here in Canada. PS, if I get this job you have to buy me a green card. Don’t worry, I’m worth it!
Another job experience I had was to start my own business, called Laughtrackers: people would send their writing or TV shows to me, and I would tell them if it was funny! Unfortunately it didn’t do that well, but at least it made me take the time to make a real nice home office in my basement.
The reason I want to work at the San Diego Zoo is that (as if you couldn’t tell) I love animals! It’s my understanding that the San Diego Zoo is the best zoo in the world, and that’s why I want to work there.
In terms of experience caring for animals, I have had one dog (run over by car) five cats (cat cancer, cat diabetes, cat osteoporosis, run over by truck, cat stomach cancer), two rabbits (neglect x 2), a mouse (still alive) and a hermit crab (accidentally buried alive). As you can see, I’ve learned a lot about taking care of animals! I sure know the way NOT to take care of them! Ha ha!
Thanks to my mom’s hard work, a sparkling resume is attached. She is great at helping me edit things, especially when dealing with the business world. She is a high school guidance counsellor, so I have a built in advantage when it comes to applying for jobs, colleges, and choosing courses, and also not taking drugs.
I don’t know a lot about San Diego, but I am a big fan of their football team, the San Diego Chargers. If hired, I think that my love of all things Charger could prove to be a key icebreaker in the zoo locker room.
In conclusion, I am happy to have had the opportunity of having the chance to write you with my request. Please consider it with the utmost seriousness.
Love,
David Barclay
On SAN DIEGO ZOO
The San Diego Zoo
Balboa Park,
San Diego, CA
Dear The San Diego Zoo,
I recently went online and saw your awesome video about wirking at the zoo. Although the film’s slow pace and soothing music made me feel a little sleepy, I still think I am the right fit for this zoo as an employee.
Anyway, how are you? My name is Dave, and this is my cover letter!! Hooray! I thought I’d lighten things up with a little humour.
My job goal is to eventually be the zookeeper for the whole park. But I understand that, to get there, I will probably have to work at one of the other jobs first, like Food Service Clerk or Merchandise Sales Clerk. That’s cool by me.
Here’s a list of animals I do like: Hippopotomus, Elephant, Tiger, Gorilla, Koala Bears, and Giraffes. Here’s a list of animal’s I don’t like: spiders. Please keep me away from the spiders. Thanks!
My previous job experience includes working at my dad’s bank. It’s called Scotiabank, and it’s here in Canada. PS, if I get this job you have to buy me a green card. Don’t worry, I’m worth it!
Another job experience I had was to start my own business, called Laughtrackers: people would send their writing or TV shows to me, and I would tell them if it was funny! Unfortunately it didn’t do that well, but at least it made me take the time to make a real nice home office in my basement.
The reason I want to work at the San Diego Zoo is that (as if you couldn’t tell) I love animals! It’s my understanding that the San Diego Zoo is the best zoo in the world, and that’s why I want to work there.
In terms of experience caring for animals, I have had one dog (run over by car) five cats (cat cancer, cat diabetes, cat osteoporosis, run over by truck, cat stomach cancer), two rabbits (neglect x 2), a mouse (still alive) and a hermit crab (accidentally buried alive). As you can see, I’ve learned a lot about taking care of animals! I sure know the way NOT to take care of them! Ha ha!
Thanks to my mom’s hard work, a sparkling resume is attached. She is great at helping me edit things, especially when dealing with the business world. She is a high school guidance counsellor, so I have a built in advantage when it comes to applying for jobs, colleges, and choosing courses, and also not taking drugs.
I don’t know a lot about San Diego, but I am a big fan of their football team, the San Diego Chargers. If hired, I think that my love of all things Charger could prove to be a key icebreaker in the zoo locker room.
In conclusion, I am happy to have had the opportunity of having the chance to write you with my request. Please consider it with the utmost seriousness.
Love,
David Barclay
Friday, April 3, 2009
On CUTE AS A BUTTON
March 21
On CUTE AS A BUTTON
Chet stared at the tiny button on Marianne’s top and figeted with his club sandwich. She was much more mature than he remembered, and had really gotten it together, fashion wise.
“So you don’t want to get back together?” he asked Marianne.
“Aw, Chet, you’re so cute!” she said in an annoying voice, and made a few noises like she was playing the trumpet to try and lighten the mood. They were at their local Kelsey’s on Labour Day, catching up on the summer happenings. Chet hadn’t told her about Sherry, the girl he had kissed once while working at Disney World during the summer. She had ended up leaving him for a guy from the Italian Pavillion anyway, so that was all ancient history. Chet’s plan was to come home, go on this lunch date with Marianne, get back together so they would be boyfriend and girlfriend, and then proceed with their final academic year of high school. This plan was not working. In fact, it looked like Marianne was intentionally making Chet feel bad about himself.
“I’ve moved on,” she said pretentiously, “while you were at Disney World I couldn’t just wait here for you to come back, twiddling my thumbs, working at the pool and watching the View.” In fact, for June, July and half of August, that was precisely what she had done. Then, with Sally’s help, she had asked out the guy with spiky hair and a cool neck chain in the produce section at Bruno’s. Sally asked out his best friend, a video store clerk, and it turned out they were both big into theatre. The next thing they knew they were driving to Toronto and hanging out in all these cool theatre bars and seeing experimental pieces in black box venues.
“Chet, the world of the theatre is a different place. It has comedy, yes, but also heartache,” she explained to him. It felt odd to have Chet, a figure from her past life, take her to Kelsey’s like this. She was used to places like The Green Room now.
Chet thought to himself, ‘I think I know a little something about heartache,’ but didn’t say it out loud, because he didn’t want to act as annoyingly dramatic as Marianne was acting.
“So Sally and I are probably going to join the drama club, and focus on that as our primary extracurricular,” Marianne explained.
“No band?” choked Chet. Marianne played the clarinet and Chet palyed the tuba, and they had often passed notes between songs in previous years. The drama club was a dangerous place, where free expression reigned, and everyone was artistic and had inside jokes. It was a place Chet could not follow Marianne, except maybe as a techie, and even then, he would be invisible.
Marianne lifted Chet’s chin, and looked him straight in the eye. “I will always love you,” she said.
“I don’t think that’s true,” he said.
“Well it is,” she said, annoyed. She finished her salmon, and said, “this was a really good salmon,” pretending that she was totally cool with this whole conversation. Overall, it was a lot harder than she thought it was going to be, but at least she had said what she had come to say. The bill came, and she made sure to pay her half. She didn’t want Chet telling this story to President Michael French later, and finish it by saying, “and the worst part is I had to pay for her stupid salmon!”
On CUTE AS A BUTTON
Chet stared at the tiny button on Marianne’s top and figeted with his club sandwich. She was much more mature than he remembered, and had really gotten it together, fashion wise.
“So you don’t want to get back together?” he asked Marianne.
“Aw, Chet, you’re so cute!” she said in an annoying voice, and made a few noises like she was playing the trumpet to try and lighten the mood. They were at their local Kelsey’s on Labour Day, catching up on the summer happenings. Chet hadn’t told her about Sherry, the girl he had kissed once while working at Disney World during the summer. She had ended up leaving him for a guy from the Italian Pavillion anyway, so that was all ancient history. Chet’s plan was to come home, go on this lunch date with Marianne, get back together so they would be boyfriend and girlfriend, and then proceed with their final academic year of high school. This plan was not working. In fact, it looked like Marianne was intentionally making Chet feel bad about himself.
“I’ve moved on,” she said pretentiously, “while you were at Disney World I couldn’t just wait here for you to come back, twiddling my thumbs, working at the pool and watching the View.” In fact, for June, July and half of August, that was precisely what she had done. Then, with Sally’s help, she had asked out the guy with spiky hair and a cool neck chain in the produce section at Bruno’s. Sally asked out his best friend, a video store clerk, and it turned out they were both big into theatre. The next thing they knew they were driving to Toronto and hanging out in all these cool theatre bars and seeing experimental pieces in black box venues.
“Chet, the world of the theatre is a different place. It has comedy, yes, but also heartache,” she explained to him. It felt odd to have Chet, a figure from her past life, take her to Kelsey’s like this. She was used to places like The Green Room now.
Chet thought to himself, ‘I think I know a little something about heartache,’ but didn’t say it out loud, because he didn’t want to act as annoyingly dramatic as Marianne was acting.
“So Sally and I are probably going to join the drama club, and focus on that as our primary extracurricular,” Marianne explained.
“No band?” choked Chet. Marianne played the clarinet and Chet palyed the tuba, and they had often passed notes between songs in previous years. The drama club was a dangerous place, where free expression reigned, and everyone was artistic and had inside jokes. It was a place Chet could not follow Marianne, except maybe as a techie, and even then, he would be invisible.
Marianne lifted Chet’s chin, and looked him straight in the eye. “I will always love you,” she said.
“I don’t think that’s true,” he said.
“Well it is,” she said, annoyed. She finished her salmon, and said, “this was a really good salmon,” pretending that she was totally cool with this whole conversation. Overall, it was a lot harder than she thought it was going to be, but at least she had said what she had come to say. The bill came, and she made sure to pay her half. She didn’t want Chet telling this story to President Michael French later, and finish it by saying, “and the worst part is I had to pay for her stupid salmon!”
Thursday, April 2, 2009
On YOGURT
March 20th
On YOGURT
Here are some reviews of my Favourite and Least Favourite foods
Yogurt: Awesome. I prefer eating fruit at the botttom, and eating all the yogurt and then all the fruit. As a wise person once said, it’s like having two snacks in one. Also, if you are in
Raisin Bread: The best. Sometimes I just eat a few slices of raisin bread, and it hits the spot. When I moved from
Swiss Chalet Quarter Chicken Dinner: Also the best. Every time we celebrated something growing up, our family would go to Swiss Chalet. The reason? It tastes great. A+
Mustard Ugh! The worst F
Green Peppers Bleeeech F
Red Peppers Ugggggh F
Any Peppers Deeesgusting F
Things I didn’t like as a kid but I like now: Mushrooms, broccoli, Salsa, Indian food, Chinese Food, Thai food., the skin of a baked potato (I was so wrong about that!)
Things that I officially do not like but I eat things with them in it and like it all the time: Mayonaisse, Cream Cheese, Sour Cream
Dill Pickles Krista loves dill pickles and eats them out of the jar. That is super gross. I like sweet pickles, but dill pickles are all blecchy and briny. FFF
Poutine I love poutine, especailly in theory, and then when I eat it I usually feel bad inside. We are going to a poutinerie for my birthday this year. B+
McDonalds Chicken Nuggets A Big Mac D- (no meat, all lettuce and bun) Angus Burger C
Zucchini The king of the green vegetables B+
Spaghetti Delicious, I like how my mom makes it with nice meat sauce. A+
Pizza Cowabunga! A
Anything my mother-in-law Barb makes So good. Table-groaning feasts every time. Then sleepiness. A+
Apples My mom used to give me apple skins as a kid when she was peeling apples. So good! I like to eat all the skin of an apple first, and then move on the the fleshy insides. A
My favourite fake flavours: 1. banana 2. cherry 3. Apple cinnamon 4. Strawberry. Last: Blueberry I don’t know, it doesn’t work for me.
Stouffers Lasagna The only frozen meal that deserves to be called Gourmet A-
A couple of fresh buns, a bag of baby carrots and a thing of hummus is sometimes what I have for dinner. A-
Hamburger Helper You know what I’m talking about!!!! It’s a special day when I make Hamurger Helper. A
Slushies Once I was in a Slushie Club as co-president Sir Slush-a-lot. My co-president was George W. Slush. I think that joke has some mileage. B+ (but on a really hot day, A)
Preferred Beers: Rickards Red or white, sleemans, creemores, Waterloo Dark.
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