On HARRY POTTER

January 5th
No fooling – no hanged limbs. Perfect score!

On HARRY POTTER
Look everyone, Harry Potter is the best! I first met Harry Potter in his first year at wizard school and was a good friend all the way until he dropped out of school to fight evil. Come to think of it, did Harry Potter ever graduate? He’s the Bill Gates of wizardry. Probably very rich. How do wizards make money? Besides owning shops in Diagon Alley! I probably knew how it all worked when I was reading the books. Maybe everyone in Wizardry works for the government. The wizard government.
I remember the first sitcom writing class at Humber College, where I went for Comedy School, our legendary (crazy) teacher Lorne Frohman was talking about ideas, and how angry he was that he had not come up with the idea of a school for wizards. “Wizard School!” He would say, shaking his head. As if that was the secret to J. K. Rowlings’s success. This is how a Harry Potter book by Lorne Frohman would go.

“Wizard School!” yelled Professor Snape. “Why didn’t I think of that? Hey, did I ever tell you how I wrote a sitcom for Dolly Parton? I’m Lorne Frohman. I mean, Professor Snape.”

Lorne Frohman also told us about an idea he had for an Umpire School movie, which had the exact same plotline as the movie Stripes, starring Bill Murray. The lesson was you don’t need to come up with a plotline on your own, just follow one from an already existing film. Which, seriously, is a good idea. That’s how Airplane! Was written. Another good idea: Umpire School! I would watch that movie, should it exist, immediately. I should write Lorne Frohman and ask him if I can lift it from him. He never used it. He either never finished the script or no one was interested in it. And then, when I make millions, it will be me that Lorne Frohman will curse to his students. “Umpire School! That was my idea! I’m Professor Snape! I mean, Lorne Frohman!”

UMPIRE SCHOOL
By David Barclay

Our hero’s sidekick, Sanchez, enters the classroom. Our hero, Hoagie Carmichael, is already seated with several other students. They are waiting for the teacher to arrive.


SANCHEZ

Sorry I am late boss!

HOAGIE CARMICHAEL

Sanchez! Get over here before Professor Snape sees you! Oh, why is my life so much like the movie Stripes, starring Bill Murray, and his romantic interest, played by Sean Young?

Enter Professor Snape.

SNAPE

Late again Potter! Wha-wha? This isn’t wizard school! It’s umpire school!

A spitball from an unseen source lands on his forehead.

SNAPE

Weasley!!!!!!!!!!!

Very irreverent. Hoagy Carmichael, it turns out, was a songwriter with the best name! And his real name is Hoagland Howard Carmichael.
Krista and I went to a Slytherin party for the launch of the sixth Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. It was down at the Harbourfront, and I bought myself a Gryffindor tie. We heard the first chapter read aloud of the new book, and then a band called the Wyrd Sisters played. Is it strange that I want to be in Gryffindor, but kind of wish I wanted to be in another house like Ravenclaw? But not enough to officially want to be in that house? There’s a true-to-life analogy there somewhere.