On LANCE ARMSTRONG

January 12th

On LANCE ARMSTRONG
An interview with Lance Armstrong
Every week here at Biking Weekly, we like to interview one of our biking heroes. This week, cyclist Lance Armstrong!
BW: When you won the Tour de France eight times, were you using steroids?
LA: I won it seven times.
BW: Quit avoiding the question!
LA. Yes. Wait, no.
BW: (shakes head in disapproval)
LA: Anyways……
BW: When you won Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year in 2001, were you on steroids?
LA: No, but I was surprised because very few Americans care about cycling.
BW: But you are American. Don’t you care about cycling?
LA: Yes, a few people, like myself do. That’s why I said ‘very few’ and not ‘no one’
BW: Choosing your words carefully, I see.
LA: Can I have someone else interview me?
BW: Were you disappointed you never won Time’s Man of the Year?
LA: I did, in 2006.
BW: That was the year they made everyone man of the year.
LA: No, just the people who read the cover of Time that week.
BW: Still, a real pandering move by Time.
LA: Anyway, George Bush, Joseph Stalin and Ayatollah Khomeini were all men of the year, so….
BW: Also Pierre Laval, who later in life was executed by a firing squad for high treason by the French, because of his participation in the Vichy government.
LA: I didn’t know that.
BW: I’m reading all this off Wikipedia.
LA: (shrugs)
BW: It says here you have cancer.
LA: Not anymore!!!
BW: Oh! You beat it! Well done!
LA: How long have you been writing for Biking Weekly?
BW: It’s Bike Weekly.
LA: No, I think it’s Biking Weekly.
BW: Look, I just made up that magazine so I could come and interview you. I’m a big fan.
LA: But you didn’t know I had cancer?
BW: I respect people’s privacy.
LA: But I told everyone. It was a big thing.
BW: Okay, really, I have no idea who you are. I am a secret agent from SMERSH.
LA: Isn’t that the Russian Spy Agency in James Bond?
BW: I love James Bond!!
LA: This is the second worst interview I’ve ever been interviewed in.
BW: Mm hmmm. (tapping pencil against mouth, thoughtfully) and what was the first?
LA: The first worst?
BW: Yes.
LA: This one.
BW: But you just said it was the second worst.
LA: I know, but it got worse since I said that.
BW: What was your third worst?
LA: With that French magazine, Paris Match.
BW: What was so bad about that?
LA: It was all in French, and I suspect mostly about Sheryl Crow.
BW: One of the Counting Crows.
LA: No, my ex.
BW: Your X. What does that mean?
LA: We used to be engaged.
BW: Ooo hoo hoo hoo! Salacious!
LA: (silence)
BW: Well, are you going to tell me more about that?
LA: She’s got a great singing voice, and lots of stamina in bed. Also, I think that song “Every Day is a Winding Road” is about bicycling. I love winding roads! I like to bike on them. So it’s a song about how great everything is.
BW: That wasn’t my interpretation.
LA: Really. What do you think that song is about?
BW: It’s about how every day sucks, because you want to be on a straight road and get where you’re going, but there’s all these goddamn winds in the road that fuck up your life.
LA: I never thought of it that way. Maybe… we’re both right?
They kiss.