On MASQUERADE

March 10, 2009

On MASQUERADE

A History of Masquerades

By R. F. W. Achemedron

Masquerades have long been a way of having parties with the added excitement of hidden identities. If you would like to buy a mask, please call this number: 1-800-MASQRAD. We will sell you a green mask or a red mask.

Egypt

The first masquerade party happened when Pharoah Ptolemy IV was on his way to a sun-worshipping ritual and tripped and fell into a puddle of mud, which obscured his face. He refused to let any of his retainers touch him, and as a consequence arrived at the ritual and no one knew who he was because of his mask (“masque”). Everyone was relieved the pharoah wasn’t there, and started to party. The masqued pharoah joined in, drinks were served, and the pharoah was poisoned and died later that week.

Medieval France

Medieval France was dominated by the feudal system, which meant that the king had first access to any new masks to wear at masques. His old masks would then be handed down to nobles, and their masks would be given to knights, who would bequeath their masks to villeins (or “sans-culottes”), who would give theirs to peasants, who would wear them at “peasant masques”, which were another name for tilling the fields. The advantage of tilling the fields anonymously was that a farmer could till his fields over lunch to get an extra advantage over lazier farmers, without those farmers making catcalls at him. Those lazier farmers would, inevitably, sleep with the hardworking farmer’s wives over lunch.

18th century Vienna

From the years 1754-1760 in Austria, Emperor Joseph II ordered everyone in Vienna to wear a full-body mask. His intention was to eliminate social stratification, but this backfired as the rich were able to buy much more elaborate and jewel-encrusted masks than the poor. These were very cumbersome, being ten times the size of a standard mask, and provided much needed economic support to the city’s mask industry and the back pain industry. The rule was rescinded in 1760 when it was discovered that Joseph II had been murdered in his bath early in 1755 and been replaced by a man in a mask.

20th Century West End London

There is a song in the musical “Phantom of the Opera” called masquerade, and its right at the top of the second half. It has a bunch of people in masks at a masque on a staircase, and they all sang “Masqueraaaaaade! Lalalalalalalalalalalala!” It was one of the best parts, along with when the chandelier falls.

Present Day

Presently, masquerades lack the danger and social inversion of historical masquerades. They are primarily used as Charity Balls organized by the Social Committee in wealthy high schools and universities.

The Future of Masquerades

In the future, experts anticipate that entire planets will be host to “megamasquerades” parties that last for centuries or more, featuring bacchalias in which even nerdy historians will have sexual relations with beautiful ladies, because everyone will be wearing masks.