On CHILE

January 20th

On CHILE


Ladies and Gentlemen, Chilean President Michelle Bachelet.

"People of Earth, imagine being me. Imagine growing up in a country barely wide enough so that two people can pass each other. Imagine being a women president in a country of sexist latinos. Imagine what it must be like for me, the president of Chile, whenever I am in America, people make jokes about chili dogs, chilly weather, and California Angels baseball player Chili Davis.

No, it ain't easy. But neither was my upbringing. Spending every day deciding whether to talk to people in Spanish, English, German, Portuguese or French, founding a theatre group/musical band called Las Clap Clap. And then I was tortured by Pinochet.

Look everyone, I could go on about myself all day, but that's not why we're here, is it? The real reason is to celebrate the opening of the Great Chilean Movator. As I mentioned before, it has always been frustrating living in a country where we only have just enough room to walk single file as we go North and South through our country, Argentina on one side and the Pacific Ocean on the other. We always have to say, "Oh, excuse me Senor Alvarez, I was trying to walk North and you are walking South. Let's squeeze past each other. Otherwise we'll end up in the Pacific Ocean, or, worse, Argentina." It caused a lot of pickpocketery and casual groping.

But look here! You know those moving sidewalks, like they have in big airports? We built one going South on the ground here, and then another one going North on top of it. It goes the entire country, from Peru in the North to the end of the world in the South. Not only do you not have to squeeze past anyone any more, you don't even have to walk anymore! This movator will just take you anywhere you want to go! As long as it is North or South, and why would you try and go anywhere else? What, are you gonna go West, and walk around in the ocean? Don't be stupid. And if you change your mind, and want to switch direction, all you have to do if you are travelling North is climb over the raiing here and jump down to the lower level. If you are travelling South, you have to wait until you get to the end, where there is a staircase to the top level.

Some people say, "Hey! If everyone is always on a moving sidewalk, how are you gonna get exercise?
Everyone's gonna turn real fat!" Look, don't worry about it! If you are getting fat just run on the movator! Or walk in the opposite direction! No one's stopping you! Or go take a swim in the Pacific Ocean. It's right over there!

My fellow Chileans, this is the best day in history. Now we can go back to our super tall skinny houses in or long, skinny cars and make love to our skinny spouses in our long thin beds, where we sleep in single file. Long live the age of convenience! Long Live the Movator!