On HYBRID CAR

February 24th
On HYBRID CAR
This is an urgent bulletin. Los Angeles has just been ravaged by a marauding group of Hybrid Cars. Half man, half car, all menace, these robocars are like Robocop but have no sense of responsibility. Already 57 old ladies have been run down. On observer described a hybrid car as having a normal human body but with a full sized car for a head. He said he was surprised the hybrid’s neck did not break under the pressure of holding up its car head.
“I was running away from the fire, and there she was. I couldn’t figure it out for the life of me, a lady with a car for a head. That’s what we get for going too green too soon, I guess.”

-

We are on day 3 of the hybrid car story. The hybrid cars have spread out in waves from Los Angeles, their stronghold, and are now attempting to make it over the Mexican border into Tijuana. One particularly dangerous variety is a bus that has a hundred human legs, like a centipede. Few have lived to describe it. President Obama is developing new methods to counter the hybrid car insurgency, after the first efforts to bomb the shit out of them was prevented by their powerful grills, which kind of look like mouths.

-

In Day 37 of the Hybrid Car Crisis, the hybrid cars have taken over 23 of the 50 American states, and all of Mexico and Central America down to the Panama Canal. The hybrid cars have elected their own government, after an election last Tuesday where the Green party won an overwhelming victory.

-

In a tragic development, bands of non-hybrids (as normal humans are now called) have been foolishly wandering into hybrid territory, hoping to join what has been described by the hybrids’ press releases as a utopian society. While no non-hybrids have been able to witness this new and supposedly better society, the few survivors of these bands of optimists have described horrifying, bloody, massacres, typified by deafening horn honking and corpses with cartoon-like tire tread marks all over their bodies.

-

This will be my final broadcast. 154 days after the start of the Hybrid Care Crisis, the rolling thunder of horrifying man-cars has reached the broadcast studio where I have resided for the past month. As I speak, I can hear the vroom vroom vrooming of the monstrosities, and the bang bang bang of busipedes knocking down our doors like a battering ram. There are fires everywhere, as far as the eye can see. I have already seen my wife and children turned into horrifying grotesqueries, parodies of their former selves. Yes, if anyone listening does not know the terrible secret, it is this: the enemy is us. All humans that survive the car-men’s initial attacks have been transformed, borg-like, into hybrid cars themselves. But I will die before they turn my beautiful, rugged face into a rusty metal grill. Before they turn my masculine, fluid, deep voice into a wailing horn, I will sacrifice my life. It has been an honor to serve you. I am Bob Renfro. Good night.